i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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