I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
