i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
