Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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