I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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