My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
