For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
