I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
