I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
