this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
