my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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