Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
