she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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