Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
