oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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