so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
