if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
