Swine flu. Run for my life!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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