I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
