my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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