wakey wakey hands off snakey
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
