No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
