You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
