just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
