Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
