I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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