I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
