dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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