Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
