Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
