I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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