i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
