So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
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