hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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