ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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