did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
