from now on my penis is your penis
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
