There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
