I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
