I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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