I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
