3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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