I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
