I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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