I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
