I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
