Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
