babies were throwing up all over the place
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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