We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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