this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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