having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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