Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
