well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
